The holiday's are over....

We took a few months off, went canyoning in Corsica and grew beards. As usual on our return I copped off with a delightful blonde and Hugh got drunk..... Then he decided to embarrass himself by leaping into bed with us.... Not that she seemed to mind. What a lady!

The New manPad comes our way!

We could never have expected so much interest in our film - the money seems to be pouring in from everywhere. It seems that even the creatives that make the manPad want to be apart of it and are looking to sponsor the film. Casting aside our apples, we were given the opportunity to try out the new manPad. I couldn't say its any good, but we've shared our views on it in this short commercial. Needless to say they'll be paying with money - not those crappy pads!

Posing Produces Piles

Hugh was so excited to be working with Film-master and all round Action Man, Alastair Lee.
When Posing Productions turned up, with their entourage of trucks, meal wagons and camera dollys, we almost wet ourselves with excitement. Ok, so its taken a whopping £3,000,000 (in dollars) out of our budget, but once we'd stopped him eating cake and knocking back the Lemon Cordial, Al was on fire!

We too found ourselves lost in the moment, until he demanded the tank be driven off a grassy knoll and I got carted off to casualty. Nice one Al.

Climbing big-style.

Today we finally got some filming done on one of the big wall practice routes. It was everything you'd expect from multi pitch climbing. Long run outs, high drama, and the odd brown stain.
I led the first few pitches as Hugh was feeling off colour. Its always good to have a trusted friend belaying you - except I don't trust Hugh and he's hardly my friend. To make matters worse, he's developed a twitch in his right arm and hits out at everything. On the walk up he punched a badger and dislocated it's Hedge Hog. It took ages to sort that one out.

The big drop.

So the team is ready for the big push on the wall. Stunt doubles are in place (for the dangerous bits) and all we have to do is hit that big crag with some hardware..... Which is why Hugh is bringing the tank!

Suited and Booted.

Let the compensation log roll! After my spell inside I contacted my lawyers and have been offered an out of court settlement of $2,000,000 in pounds! So I treated myself to a ten thousand yen suit.

Dick in a pickle....

Its been ages since I made an entry! "Where's Dick been?" I went Pot Holing in Malaysia and unfortunately got arrested at customs for importing mole-skin suits. So I've just spent four weeks holing up in a manky prison cell, with nothing but a burglar, a murderer and a lady boy to keep me warm. At least the time flew by for me. Though judging by the complaints, its been going slowly for the production team.
All hands to the pumps.... filming can continue!

Anuses and the selection process.

I've been practicing the Mandolin for a few weeks now. Its one of those instruments that, once you've picked it up, takes you into ethereal aural ecstasy (note; I said 'aural', not 'oral ecstasy' - I rarely eat chocolates, preferring a Mucky Duck's Burger and Fries - only £1.oo you know).
I've been knocking out a couple of folk tunes and intend to take the crazy instrument big-walling with me. If I can sneak it past Hugh and his anal selection process. By that I don't mean he's selecting anuses for the trip, just that he can be quite the pedant when it comes to choosing equipment.

The Book of the Film.

The publishers have sent through the first edition print of the book, "Shooting Short People". Hugh had written it some time before the film went into production, but publishing companies only became interested when the film was commissioned.

Ironically they sent through a few other books that they thought we might like to read. They were utter crap though.

It is a great read, which surprised me. Hugh has a tendency for high drama, sex and too much action. "Shooting Short People" was a touching and tender read though with just the right amount of action and excitement.

Motorbike action gang!

We've all got together and sorted out our differences. Hugh is a little happier with his stunt double and I've found the guy whose gonna do my stunts is a Burbon lover like my good self. Even Max Klunt is happy with the crew..... provided we take good care of his infernal Bi-Plane! Little does he know that we intend to set it on fire and fly it into a mountain!

More negotiations....

We seem to have lots of these meetings where we discuss Hugh's anxieties about the stunt double and his concerns regarding how we spend the £13,000,000 (in dollars) budget. It'd be much easier if he didn't wait until I'd polished off half a bottle of Burbon. His magazine collection makes the ordeal much easier I suppose.

Television Licence

I got myself a TV! Haven't had one for years, but now you can buy old sets for £2.oo, I just had to have one. Unfortunately the only channel I could find was an old Latvian analogue one. Still... the old goggle box was as addictive as ever!

The Dodgy Dozen.

We are proud to announce that the team is finally assembled. All stunt doubles are contracted in and shooting will be commencing within the next few weeks. Hugh and I will try to keep the blog updated and, if you're lucky, we'll even post a few Hi-Def movies for you to peruse! Reeeeeee-Zult!

Vroom! Vroom!

What is it about motorbikes. I couldn't resist going for a spin in the side car. Hugh followed in the truck whilst his stunt double out-manoeuvred and out-smarted him on every turn. Can't wait to see how the pair of them fair on the base-jump!

Stinky pants! Ner! Ner!

I have to draw the line somewhere. Hugh had spotted his stunt double pulling into the studio car park. I know he doesn't like him much, but I thought it was a terrible thing when he rushed the truck forward and tried to smash him into the wall.

You can imagine the shock on the guy's face when he saw our truck speeding toward him. It was all he could do to jump off and sponge his seat down. Poor guy.

Back entry.

It shouldn't bother me. But when I found Hugh in the back of the truck with a bottle of wine, a rope and both parachutes I was concerned. It would be just like him to have one too many and then decide to re-pack said chutes. I'd only be aware of this when I'm heading earthwards with my picnic set wizzing up in the air behind me, doing nothing to arrest my fall.

Diving Miss Daisy.

Hugh wasn't getting on with his stunt double (the one that looks nothing like him), so he sent him out in a diving suit. Not into the ocean as you'd assume, but down to the shopping centre to get some mars bars. Apparently he was mugged by some kids who were after scrap metal, so we need to buy another diving suit.

He won't put it down.

Hugh's been at it all night. As far as I know he spread the money on his mattress and slept on it! He's totally fixated. He set off to the crag with the sac around his neck, and then had to come back and pick up the rope.
He really needs to get his priorities right.

Hugh's big sac.

I was trying to get the money sorted, but Hugh just wanted to lug it around on his back and kept rolling the notes around his fingers. I decided to film him, but it was just a tad disturbing. In the end I just turned the camera off and smacked him on the head with it. I think he was grateful that he was wearing a helmet.

Toy Army.

Hugh often gets praise for being in the TA, but what he fails to point out is that I was a regular. I was a prisoner of war for some time, but escaped on an old German motorcycle. If it hadn't been for that blasted barbed wire fence I'd have got home hours ago! That and the bottle of Brandy.

Bronchial problems...

Ok, so today I had to admit that I've got a problem. Hugh caught me loading a (pretty big) carton of cigarettes into the supply barrels - for the big wall expedition.  I tried to convince him that I use them as an expectorant, but my pleading fell on deaf ears. Its not that I'm a true addict. After all, I didn't start smoking until I was 25, and I had to work my way up through nicotine patches, nose sprays and finally nicotine inhalers before I was ready for the big boys. I know they're bad for me. I know I should stop. I'll do it in the New Year - it might be easier doing it when everyone else is doing it too!

Darkness falls.

Hugh was out until the early hours driving the truck. He says he always likes driving after dark as you don't have to put your hands on the wheel as much! It fascinates me that he'd even consider this to be ok. Then he explained that his boom-boom music and his Irish Folk music merge into one after dark.... Sounds like a right noise-nausea to me. No wonder I've turned to drink. Had to sack the editor today as he hasn't produced anything new for a while. Hopefully George, the new guy, will come up with the goods soon enough.

Scouting for exotic locations.

The set designers have done a great job pulling off the look-e-like builds, but I have my doubts about where they're going to stick the mountains!

Ski Sunday!

I tried on the ski's as the director suggested and enjoyed the experience a little. The downside was that there just wasn't any snow. I'm not sure if we'll get to go somewhere that is cold enough, but apparently the skiing scene is essential. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

The anticipation is killing me!

Shabbat.

So its Saturday and it should be my day off, but I've got all this paper work to get through or the budget will get spent on all the wrong things - like his magazines. £13,000,000 in dollars may seem like a lot of money, but it won't go far in the movie world if we don't spend it wisely.

Hugh thinks the money will buy him happiness, "I want a beautiful wife!" He keeps requesting. "I want a beautiful house, with a big car..."


Lets face it, you may ask yourself, "Where is that large automobile?" And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house. And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful wife"".

Its the same as it ever was.... I'm working my socks off and he's reading a dodgy magazine with more pictures than words! Will this movie ever get made?

Stunt Double?

Hugh's, so called, stunt-double arrived today. All the way from the US of A.... and I think you'll agree; he looks absolutely nothing like Hugh. Ok, so he's a nutter. Last year he set himself on fire whilst eating a broken light bulb, but is he really what we're looking for?

Training climbs....

I was amazed by how quickly I took to climbing again - the warm up day on the crag was a particularly hard one, but it was so productive. OK, so I was pretty terrified when I set off. But once I got going, I was soon into it.

Hugh and I tend to climb 'trad'. We use wires and wedges to fasten ourselves to the rock - many climbers simply call them 'nuts'. 

Once the 'nut' is secured, I clip on a 'quickdraw' that allows it to be fastened to the rope and this makes me safe for a few feet. There'll be a video of the training climb going up on the blog soon.

Here's a 'quickdraw' and 'nut' in all its glory

Interviewing for stunt doubles!

We spent today interviewing the stunt doubles. There are some seriously 'able' stunt men out there, but finding one that looks enough like you is almost impossible. Hugh is going to have to make some phone calls to the States to see if he can source anyone there that looks like him..... He's got such an unusual bone structure you see.

Man-Dolin

'Banana' sent me the new Man-Dolin to try. I think they want some product placement in the film, and there's always some irritating nob with a guitar rattling out cheesy folk songs on every expedition. Looks like its gonna be me, and my 'Man-Dolin' on this one!

Back in the truck again.

Kayak purchase!

The creek-boat has been a great success for Hugh. He took it down Niagra and managed to get much further than Captain Webb, and that guy in a barrel.
Not sure about the matching helmet though. I suggested it looked a bit camp - a cliche of a cliche -  but he just smacked me in the teeth.

Dodgy Shoot!

Been trying out the new camera all day. Hugh'd had some ideas about what he wanted shot, but I felt like a wedding video was a bit below us..... until he introduced me to the bride! Spandex

Sexy-taunt!

Its always hard finding your way when you're out in the sticks.... but I have a sexy-taunt! I've no idea how it should be used as I've been using the GPS on my Ho-Phone for the last two years. I'm determined to work it out though. Guiding your way by the stars...

Unless its cloudy, then its shite.